This is the way it looked to everyone else according to the Los Angeles Times. But to me 
it was a very hard time. I will share this story with you in hopes that it will encourage you to know that you can do anything you set your mind to. You can get through any trials, hurts or storms of life that is tossed your way. Let me start at the beginning…
It was a beautiful summer day in July, and the family was busy getting ready to go on vacation. Doug (my husband) was outside mowing the lawn and I was inside packing. Our boys, Tyler and Douglas were out playing. At the time Tyler was 12 and Douglas was 11. Dawn our daughter was in Colorado visiting family and she had her 2 boys Darian and Dante’ with her. She was 22 and her boys were just babies. Well now that you have met the family I’ll go on. Like I said I was in the bedroom packing and the phone rang. It was a Navy SEAL Officer. I guess I will never forget the words, “Mrs. Susuras this is officer_____. I am with the Navy and I wanted you to know that there has been a near drowning accident. Your son Gordon is in the hospital. He is in pretty bad shape”. I couldn’t believe what he was saying and I am not sure I understood. I said “near drowning, is he going to be ok”? He said “I’m not sure mam but if it were my child I would want to know”. I said hold on and I ran outside to get Doug. Doug the Navy is on the phone, Gordie’s hurt. He shut off the mower and took the phone. The rest of it is like a blur, all I know is that I called our Pastor, Pastor Bill, and told him what was going on and then we were on the plane headed for C.A. When we arrived there were Navy people waiting for us and they rushed us into a van to take us to the hospital. They were very kind to us. We went to the hospital and there he was, lying on the bed. He was hooked up to a breathing machine. His eyes were open but you could tell he couldn’t see me. They were bobbing up and down. Here was my baby, he was 25 at the time but they are always our baby, he was not responsive and the Dr’s were trying to prepare me for the worst. Of course I didn’t believe them. They didn’t know what they were talking about because Jesus could heal him at any time. I remember going across the street and yelling out to Jesus. People were all around looking at me. Now in Coronado, California a Navy SEAL is highly respected. I believe at this point the news had covered the accident and pretty much every one there knew who we were. One of the SEAL Officers took our boys to his house and had a barbeque. He also took them to the beach. He and his family were very kind. I never got the chance to thank them, at the time my mind was only on Gordie. If by chance they are ever reading this thank you for your kindness in a time of need.
Now I want to say that at this time I had a very firm foundation in Christ. I was a strong believer and had a close relationship with Jesus. I really didn’t believe this was going to turn out badly. I thought Jesus would heal Gordie and we could go Disney world. I had my passes. That is how much faith I had till the very end. I argued with the Navy Chaplin that my son would not die. They asked me to donate his body parts to someone else, but in my mind he was going to need them when God rose him up. Gordon was in the hospital about 24 hrs when it came time for him to go. I stood by his side and I think his spirit could hear me at the time. I said Gordie if Jesus is calling you, you go be with him if you want to. But if not you fight to stay. I will be ok if you go. I knew I had to let him go. He was having a hard time leaving me and I could tell, he was always a momma’s boy till the very end. Right after that he left. You could see his spirit leave his body and he just slowly turned grey. I smiled like it was a great thing. I said good bye sweetheart, I love you and I’ll see you in heaven. Tell Granddad hi for me…
I really didn’t want him to know how I was feeling. I was not about to make him unhappy about going to be with Jesus. That is very exciting, for the person going.
Right after his spirit had left his body, I started to think wait, don’t go, my mind started to realize what was happening and I started to feel the pain of the loss, and so I started to pray over him to come back to life. I know the hospital staff thought I was crazy but I do believe Jesus can do whatever He wants to. So I prayed. I think Doug had taken the boys out of the room and I was standing there and I looked up and there was Pastor Bill. He had come to be with us. After that I don’t remember a lot. Some things off and on but not real clear.
They did take us and show us where he lived and the obstacle court. We walked along the beach where he worked out every day. They set up a meeting with the other SEAL trainees for me so I could talk to them. I wanted to know the last few hours of his life. They were very sweet guys and that helped a lot. I don’t pretend to understand, and I could say it’s not fair, why my son… but I am not going to. I don’t know why this happened to our family. All I know is that I made it through. My daughter took it almost as hard as I did. The difference was I was very strong in Jesus at the time and she was young and going through her own issues. This was very hard on her and sometime I will get her to write her testimony for you. I am sorry to say I know the other family members were also hurting but I can't remember details.
I remember the next day when I woke up the first thing I thought was Gordies gone and I can’t get him back. The birds were singing. That was the thing. I couldn’t understand, how could everything be the same and for me and my family everything had changed forever. Nothing would ever be the same. This is one of those things you cannot change. Being the daughter of an alcoholic and having been a social alcoholic myself before salvation, I remember the alcoholic prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Well this was one thing I could not change. I went through all the emotions like anyone else. But first let me get back to the story. The morning after Gordon died we went to breakfast and I remember Pastor Bill asked us where we wanted to bury Gordon. We told him Colorado. That is where we are from, and our family lives there. He asked who we would get to do the service. Of courses we said we wish he would do it and he said that he would. We then flew home to Houston and got our car and drove up to Englewood Colorado. We buried Gordon in Littleton. At the funeral 13 people accepted Jesus in their lives. I know if Gordie knew that would happen he would gladly give his life willingly. Maybe he did know at the end. I don’t know. All I know is that from there on it was survival time. I searched for books that would help me get through this time. I felt the need to tell everyone I met the story. I remember I was sitting in a waiting room and I looked at the couple beside me and said, “My son just died”, I guess in some way I was looking for someone to help me. But you know there is no help here on earth. There is no peace when you have lost a child because you don’t want any peace. My goodness you just lost a child why would you want peace about that. You see normally when you lose someone you seek peace. It is a normal loss and over time you start to get over the pain. When it is your child, that is the last thing you want, to get over it. You will find yourself staying there because it is the last emotion you felt. You may be afraid if you get over it you will forget your child. You may feel like it is your only link to him/her. That is why it is so hard to get through this kind of grief. We also tend to feel guilty. If I had only…I wish I had…how I could have…this is normal. Just remember no one is perfect. I have so many regrets I could not count them. But remember God knew we were not going to be perfect and so that is why He sent His Son to Die for our sins, His only Son. Now maybe we can get just a pinch of understanding of what God felt when he sent His Son to suffer and then to die. Knowing we would never get it on our own. I am sure He loved His Son just as much as I loved Gordon. But God loved us too and he knew we would never understand some things so He gave up His Son to come , teach us, suffer and then die so we could live eternally in heaven. Jesus covered our sins. So I understand more now about surrendering Jesus for the sake of mankind.
I remember I got so angry. Now I am a little different than some of you. Jesus knows we will be angry. Most of us will be angry at Jesus or God for taking our child. But I got mad at Gordon. I had asked Gordon not to join the SEAL Team. That did not stop him. This is what he wanted. I remember him saying to me, “mom, if you are going to be negative about this I am not going to call you for a while. I need you to encourage me in this. I need you to support me in this because whether you like it or not this is what I am going to do”. I asked him, did you pray about it? He said no I didn’t because this is what I am going to do. That scared me from then on. I taught every one of my children to pray before you make a decision on anything. He knew to do that. He was afraid Jesus would say no so He didn’t ask. Gordie loved kids. He enjoyed being with them and on several occasions he was prophesied over that he would be a youth leader. Gordon loved Jesus very much. He was not afraid to die. We had discussed this many times because of the SEAL Training. I knew he would be taking a chance. He said so many beautiful things to me before he died. It is almost like he knew, and was preparing me. He didn’t but it felt like he did. Well then when he died I was so angry at him. I would cry and cry. I would yell out to him “this is great, you are up there dancing on the streets of gold and here I am left her without you and falling apart”. My emotions would go up and down. Then I began to forget things. I couldn’t remember anything. I lost my lust for life. I have always had an excitement about life. It was defiantly not always a good life but the one thing my mom did teach me is to be happy. No matter what is going on in life it will pass. So if it’s bad it will be over soon and if it’s good enjoy it while it lasts. I have been blessed with a positive attitude all my life, even before salvation. But this is one incident I would not just get over. Gordon was buried and then we came home, back to TX. Oh boy I wish I could say life was great and I got through it just fine. I didn’t. I hurt so bad I couldn’t stand it. I could not have made it had it not been for the relationship I had and still have with Jesus Christ. I focused on Jesus with all I had. We went right away to church camp and I went and taught the children. I continued to hold bible study and ministered to anyone that would listen. I had a drive and still do to get to hurting people and see them set free. Free from pain and heartache.
Everyone went home and back to their lives. There we were. We were trying to be a normal family, trying to pull things back together as best we could. One of the worst things that happened is the fact that everyone avoided talking about Gordon. I know they didn’t want to bring up such a painful issue but it felt to me like everyone forgot him. I wanted to talk about him. He is not dead inside me. I still remember him. As long as I can remember him in my heart and in my head he is not dead. It is good and healthy to talk about your loved one. Yes you may cry but you and I both know we want to talk. I had one little friend that was so young, maybe 21 or so at the time, she just didn’t know what to say. She sat by my side and looked at pictures of Gordon with me over and over. She let me talk about him. I guess she got sick of the same stories over and over but she sat by my side day and night and never let on. Now this is not to say there were not others that were there for me. There were, and I praise god for each one of them. Every one of them had a part in my recovery. But the young one didn’t know what to say and she let me do all the talking. She holds a very special place in my heart and I will love her forever. Thank you Sharla, I love you.
I know right now you are thinking how will I go on and let me tell you, unless you turn over your pain to Jesus you will never get past this. You may heal but you won’t be healthy again. It seems that when you lose a child your health goes. Maybe it is because we don’t have a desire to take care of ourselves. I don’t know that for sure but it is my guess. The way I have always tried to explain the way I feel is imagine if you lost one of your legs. But then you got a prostatic leg, and that leg looked just like the other leg. No one knew you had a fake leg. You would learn over time to walk and to even run without a limp. All day long you would not look any different than anyone else. Then, at night you would take that leg off and put it up. Really, you know all day long that leg is not your real leg. You learn to live with the fact over time that that is the way it is and there is nothing you can do about it so you learn to be happy in spite of the fact. That is over the years how you will be. You will be happy again, someday, and life will be good. You will be able to do all the things you did before. But you will always know that a part of you is missing. And there will be times for the rest of your life when you just sit down and cry. Just be careful not to cry so much you get lost in yourself and never find your way back. Chances are you have people that love you and are counting on you to get better. I know right now you may not feel like it. I would be glad to help you get better. I am a good listener. I am a survivor. Say that with me , “I am a survivor” let’s say it again “I am a survivor” now let’s say I want to survive. Like I said on the other page of this website, that is the hard part, to want to survive. Say it again I want to survive. You may not feel like it right now but say it anyway. You have people counting on you, that love you. So say it again. “I want to survive” now say “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”
Grief can bring on many emotions some are:
- Anger
- Denial/Disbelief
- Shock
- Depression
- Forgiveness
- Dealing with memories
- Insomnia
These are just to name a few. I am sure there are more and we will cover them as we go. Right now we can cover what we have. Thank you for reading my story. I guess I still have a desire to tell the story. I hope this helps someone out there. God Bless
If you need personal ministry or someone to talk to e mail me
Remember, Jesus is the comforter. He will comfort you in your time of need. He has been there for me the whole way and never let me go. He will do the same for you. You must get in the word. You must have a relationship with Him so you can hear Him and feel Him.
See Loss of a Child
More to come on this topic